Saturday, June 13, 2009

Dueling with Doubt

Trepidation has set in. I am not surprised. Always seems to happen. I begin to self-doubt. Can I really do this. Am I too old? Do I have the physical capacity? I really want to do this trip. I know I need to get out of this city. I feel it sucking the life force out of me. I have been hospitalized twice in the past 3 1/2 years with serious infections. Mysterious infections that have no known cause. That has to be telling me something.

As things go with me, the awareness of Silver City began to blossom in uncanny ways. Back in the winter I read a great book, that I just picked up because the title struck me; I was looking for another author actually. Unfortunately, I can remember every detail of this wonderful book except the title and author. I hope the Library has a history of the books I have checked out. The story was captivating and had many twists and turns, right up to the last pages. There was a con artist, a man posing as a woman, a forbidden love affair, a heist and a double cross, a chase on horse back through rugged mountains and an "on-the-seat-of-your-pants" fight and fall to your death. And, finally the resolution with ever lasting true love. The book was set in the wild west of Billy the Kid and Sundance. But, at the time I was just enthralled with the story. But there in the whispers of my subconsciousness was a connection to Silver City.

Now that I think about it, I actually had planned a trip to Las Cruces about 2 years ago. Did not get to make it, but the area was on my radar. That is how things happen, the universal energies start bring things into the periphery of my vision. The dots are not yet connected, but the web is being woven (whew what a bunch of mismatched metaphors.)

There there was the late night cruising of Craig's List for something interesting housing or jobs. And there was my dream cabin - adobe and straw bale house in the Mimbres Mountains not far from Silver City. There it was - Silver City! Being the geek that I am, I went to Google Maps, looked up Silver City, cruised over the area like an eagle with the satellite view. Did Google Earth, check photos, studied the topo map. I researched the area, check every little town, plotted out the routes and alternative routes to get there from here. In a word, I have become OBSESSED with Silver City for the past four months.

She is like a captivating stranger glimpsed across a room. I have to know her, I have to feel her. I try to forget her. I try to convince myself that I will never be able to attain her, just let her go. Live with the dream of what could have been. Dreams are always better than reality. But this dream will not let me go. She has grabbed me in her clutches and I am completely under her spell.

And here I am this morning, quivering with excitement, anticipation, nerves and anxiety. I have all the maps printed out. I have the itinerary planned. The list of what to pack is completed. I have announced that I am taking a spiritual retreat in the Gila Wilderness. I have to go through with this. I must.

No comments: